Think of Me and Forget Me Not

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Running on a belt, going the distance but I’m still here.

Familiarity, close to home, the kind of things I want to keep near.

 Like every last drop of honey in a jar,  I’m stuck.

Come pull me out, come and get me. No? I must be love struck.

The last piece of the puzzle, so close, right there.

I know you’ll have no answers, no matter how deep I stare.

When I feel the urge to hate, it’s because I love a lot.

I’m running, huffing, out of breath with each night that passed and we fought.

I always think it’s just so damn simply put.

Each second passing, I’m hoping I won’t be brushed off like soot.

I delve deep into being an unnecessary, necessary article, pushed to the side.

We never really know if there are rules to follow for this, but it doesn’t matter… we never tend to abide.

Defiant, defiantly straight,

Shall I set down my foolishness and forget that it was ever fate?

My tongue is so numb, cotton mouth with every verbalized notion.

What’s killing us is the silent, natural erosion.

Emitting light at the end of the tunnel, so brightly set,

I’m hoping each struggling day together that we won’t regret the day we met.

It’s all like the nicotine I press between my pout, rising against my flesh,

We never end up realizing it’s all there, just hiding like when you’re looking through mesh.

A few small words can cause such a clatter.

Am I invisibly obnoxious? Do you see that I’m telling you what’s the matter?

A shot to the chest, a blow to the head is arising with defiance.

Were we wrong to think we would even make such an alliance?

Tell this girl, am I just a dumbfounded waste of time?

It’s too early in the morning, I can’t think, I can’t rhyme.

Do you walk away? So you pretend like it was never there?

It honestly shouldn’t  have taken all of these horrible nights to show me that you still care.

I just wanted to know if you still think of me the way you used to.

I can’t forget the first time you hooked me, telling me what you’d never do.

I remember the first time you kissed me, telling me you’ve been wanting to do it for quite some time.

I’ve always felt the safest with you, never knowing that my emotions were so naive, so reckless, how can my heart commit such a crime?

I feel like I’m the ringing in your ears, always there but always to be pretended like I wasn’t.

I’ve ran in circles, using up credit of new ideas to fix this. I really thought I found the way to make us work. To my dismay, it just terribly doesn’t.

Well, we let everything happen. I’d like to say it all just slipped through stiff fingers.

I’ve always been able to wait, no matter how many lingers.

These dense, matte lashes that I wear so beautifully, they’re like a natural train wreck on the canvas.

The tears are portals to an unspoken language. I’m hurting, I’m oh so envious.

This heart hurts. Will anyone come save me?

They say rely on yourself, but all of my decisions are like poison, so deadly.

We’re just a beautiful tragedy, playing in slow motion on the screen.

I’m longing for the days we can smile and feel ever so serene.

You are everything I cry about. You are everything I’ve always wanted and more.

I don’t know what it is about you. Even if the bolded words fall flat and crumble, in an instance, your face is the one I still adore.

It’s been a while now… I hope you still see me.

I’m standing right infront of you, do you have anything to say? Is there anything you want me to see? 

You’ve always told me to not let anyone, including you make me quit.

I’m still standing here, looking back at you from an undeniably frightening tar pit.
 
  I jump to these conclusions of heart pulling, a deafening slice.

It’s still just us, so talk to me. Tell me you want to throw this away… throw me away. Are a few small words really worth the price? 

You ask me if I think we’re going to last. You abruptly answer you don’t think so.

I always have the same answer: I honestly don’t know.

Have you given up? Have you thrown me away?

Maybe one day I’ll find the answers. Maybe I’ll realize one day…that I loved the wrong way. That’s the reason why you didn’t stay.

Dear Mr. The one who I gave everything to

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Whether I’m thick or thin, my bones protrude.

My heart spills out whether you’re nice or rude.

Do I need to hide it all away?

What’s the point if you made the decision to stay?

Stuck in a daze, I don’t know if I’m coming or going,

The broken pieces stay shredded, even if I decide to keep sewing.

Am I just that naive to keep going?

A bolt lock safe is no better than a mere chain locket.

Maybe I’ll forget today and stuff who I am into my pocket.

I know I’ll just vomit out the wrong words again tomorrow.

Then again, who really cares if what you call foolishness is really just sorrow?

I’m stuck inside of this jagged, protruding silhouette.

I can’t fly away. I’m just going to get tangled again inside of your net.

We’ve always known love wasn’t easy.

It doesn’t matter if all of your light hearted jokes stay cheesy.

Sorry is just a mass produced notion of regret.

Sometimes I don’t know if you mean it. Sometimes I just hope to forget.

I need to learn that not everyone can love the way you want.
I know that each time I fall deeper, I know I have mistaken your taunt.

Do you want me the way that I want you?

Am I just the dumb one between us, no matter how hard I cry, no matter what I do?

Each day I attempt to push myself to not frown.

Each memory, each thought, it just always pushes me down.

How do I forget the past?

Will I ever know if we’ll ever truly last?

I’ve loved you since before I was able to legally drink.

Now that I’m older, I’m intoxicated on something you can’t physically pour out into the kitchen sink.

I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.

I know each time I cry, you find the situation an absolute, repetitive bore.

My dear Mr… Did you know when we’re not sleeping next to each other, I push a pillow to my back to feel you there?

Did you know that when you’re gone, I count the time till the next text you’ll send to show me that you care?

Is it sad that I’m still hopeful about us?

Is it bad that I want you even when we fight and fuss?

Sometimes I hate feeling like I need you.

Sometimes I hate knowing you may never ask me to say “I do”.

I need to know now…

Who I am and who you want me to be, is it the same girl?

Do you find it okay to watch my insides hurt and twirl?

I love you, I really do. One day, maybe you’ll finally see.

I’ve loved you even the first time you broke me.

I still loved you, even the last time you made me cry for hours steadily.

I want us to be okay.

I’m not just saying that to get you to stay.

I know you’re tired, so am I.

My heart couldn’t take it though, if I found out any of this was just a lie.

You’ve made me feel euphoric radiance.

I’ve always regret the times I had to test your patience.

No matter how we push each other down, I can’t let this go.

I don’t know if I’m stupid. I really don’t know.

I want to hold it together, but I know that I’m falling apart.

I know that you see it and want to walk away. It’s okay, it’s hard to believe love is just a dying art.

I want to know if I’m really just mean and hateful.

I acknowledge my wrong doings, all the things that make me feel regretful.

You might not believe that I know when I mess things up. I know I’m not a perfect mate.

I admit, I fuck up a lot. I might have led you to see someone else on our first date.

You should know me by now and how I feel about you.

When you decide to say fuck it, I’m always panicked, not knowing what I’m going to do.

So tell me, what should I do? Should I change who I am, stay the same? Should I just wait for your cue?

All of the late nights we bruised and cried, I’m sorry for all that I am and all that I can be.

I’m sorry for all of the silent car rides, and all of your angry facial expressions on the phone that you wish I could see.

In all of the years, we’ve gone through happiness and beyond, even the times when we thought we belonged together, we really thought we knew. We’ve even gone through hell and even said a handful of times “fuck this, I’m through!”

I just want to let you know that no matter what’s happened between us, I appreciate it all. I really don’t want to see what a broken heart can really do.

The Love Letter; Love Is…

Domo fight =/

Love is doing things for someone you wouldn’t normally do

Whether it’s physical, materialistic or emotionally, it’s not a question of who. It’s “Baby I’ll do it for you.”

Love is being there even when you’re filled with rage.

it’s not getting over it. It’s not throwing it under the rug. It’s not just acting your age.

Love is holding someone close even when you don’t understand why it seems like their world is crashing down.

It doesn’t matter if you get it or not. You don’t ever want to see them frown.

Love is making time no matter how busy you are.

At some point, you’ve made them a top priority.

Neglecting by means of excuses and not reasons can only get you so far.

Love is not a game…although sometimes it seems like it is though.

You don’t have a certain number of “lives” or “hearts” you lose. There is no “hack”. The other person put down enough time. How much of their heart, you’ll never know.

Love is not wanting to see or hear someone cry.

Even if it’s condescending and annoying, you’re not them. You don’t know what makes them feel like they’re going to die. 

Love is more than just sex.

It’s a middle of the day “baby, I’m lucky to have you” text.

Love is pouring your heart out, even if you don’t know how.

Even if you’re not that “type” of person, you should try. Otherwise, you won’t know how to make a future vow.

Love is trying harder and harder each time.

It doesn’t matter if you fail. You try and try until your outcome is sublime.

Love is not giving up.

Even if it’s always hard, set higher goals. It’s not best to leave a half empty cup.

Love is rough.

No matter what’s going on, no matter what isn’t, once you realize things, you’ll know no one else will ever love you enough.

Love is frustrating.

You get upset. You cry. You get mad. You walk away.

If it’s real love, you’ll come back. You’ll try again. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, but you’ll hope that there’s a better day.

Love is not giving up when it seems like it’ll all just fall apart

I don’t know how many other ways that I can say it. I don’t know how many other ways I can give you my heart.

Love is not pushing me away.

You don’t know how many times I’ve died inside when I haven’t heard “Baby, I want you to stay.”

Love is holding me tight.

It doesn’t matter who’s fault. The little things have their way of making things right.

Love is not ignoring me when you’re mad.

It doesn’t help the situation. it doesn’t fix how we feel. It just makes things even more sad.

Love is give and take.

I try my best everyday to change the little things that turn into tears. I try so hard in so many ways to show you how I feel. Just try a little too, for our sake.

Love is catching someone when they fall.

For whatever reason, don’t beat me when I’m down on the ground.

Yeah, I’ve made you mad. I’ve made you a lot of things. I’ve always promised to try harder and I have yet to not given it my all.

Love is wanting only them.

Even if there are other people out there with different qualities than us, you know there’s something that your other half has that the rest of the world won’t. That’s the main reason why you fell in the first place. That’s why they’ve shone out of all of the rocks like a gem.

Love is attempting to understand the things you can’t understand.

It’s irritating and makes you just want to give up, let go and get out. Then again, think about this…have they tried to understand you even if they were on their last strand?

Love is not letting someone feel alone.

It doesn’t matter if they’re scared to feel alone or not. Not a lot of people still have one another. if they’re next to you, be lucky and let it be known.

Alone is feeling empty inside.

It’s missing you even if you’re an arm’s length away. I love you, no matter how many times for you I’ve cried.

You can’t always explain why you love someone. You can’t always show how you feel.

Just know that they’ve tried hard for you. They still decide to stay even when they don’t know what it is about you. We learn, we hurt, we cope, we try, and we cry. That’s how you know it’s real.

I know I’m different from all of the other girls. There are better and there are worse than me. You might think that there’s better out there. Even if you don’t know and neither do I, there’s a reason why you’re still here.

You’ve promised a lot and you’ve broken some here and there.

You don’t get why I do a lot of things. You never have anything to say. You get so upset. You’ve pushed me away. Why is it that we still don’t understand why we still stay?

I’m still here after so many tears.

I don’t always get it. I don’t always think it all through, but I know that losing you is one of my most greatest fears.

If you’ve been shown that you’re worth all of the trouble to someone no matter how hard it gets, do your part. Do what you can with what you have and build on it. Do it with no regrets, because love is a dying art.

It’s Quiet Again

Written on paper 8/8/12

It’s quiet again…

The house are slipping.

The ones who say “all the time in the world” don’t know they’re just tripping.

The wind is growing cool once more.

Leaves will start to turn.

Summer loves fight to still burn.

Beautiful tragedies swirling all around.

Sitting again, there’s still no sound.

Running left to right, damn I’m so tired.

Night falls deep, I’m still not inspired.

Ignore the site of solidity, tranquil, so certain.

Hours pass more, I’ve got the mind of Tim Burton.

Beats start slowing down, fingers still trembling.

The feeling is so sharp, the edge is so serrated.

No matter how you fight for it, the words are so outdated.

Try not to slip and fall, because I’m tired of always falling down.

Sadness strifes to anger, adrenaline rushes through my veins.

Thoughts running on the highway, not looking when switching lanes.

Fly-by heart break, no more tender tendencies.

No more soft secret, no brands on the heart,

I’m losing it, trying my hardest not to be ripped apart.

The last strands, so tenaciously stuck,

I really, really..don’t want to not give a …..

 

Someday

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Yeah she smiles from time to time,

She laughs, she giggles, she’ll drink a corona with lime.

She’ll chill, she’ll make jokes, she can be your best friend.

She’s so smooth, she’s so cool, until everything in her world feels like it’s about to end.

When everything comes crashing down like a wave,

still no one realizes everything she gave.

She tries her hardest to understand,

she tries her hardest to take what you recommend,

but still there’s that feeling inside that takes a while to go away,

but deep down no matter how she acts, she just hopes you’ll decide to stay.

She’s so fucked in the head

but no one knows all about her past.

She’s been beaten down, her heart still healing in a cast.

When the sun rises and goes down,

it’s the same shit all over again.

But no one knows, no one knows, it’s about to begin.

When the tears fall from her doll like eyes,

she waits for a dramatic surprise

of bitching and cursing and being tortured inside.

Heart rate dropping, veins throbbing and then some more.

Seriously, you have no idea how this girl has been torn

Like salvation in the process, or a bandaid covering the wound

She needs you there, she needs you here, and that’s all you can do.

It hurts her when she knows there’s something wrong with you,

even if it’s not her, she feels what you feel

and still you don’t know what she goes through.

It happens all of a sudden,

it happens almost every day,

when she cries in silence in the corner, she doesn’t know what to say.

When you’re distant from her, she can feel the space in between.

All she wants is for you to treat her heart like a queen.

For once in her life make her feel like it’s not her fault

because you know she won’t take what you say with a grain of salt.

Her insides twisting and her stomach turning with each moment of silence

She needs anything besides being stared at by the audience.

Pay close attention, listen as close as possible

because every day in her life is another scene of mission impossible.

On the days that seem like she’s alright, she’s okay, 

just take that in consideration because those will be the best of your days,

when she’s slowing down, watch each and every phrase.

She’ll give up everything just as long as you give her a little of your time and attention

and if it’s not going through, just keep going, don’t put her feelings in detention.

She can shine brighter than anything you’ve ever seen.

She’d rather be the one hurt just so you can finally say “I know what you mean”.

She’s trying her hardest, if you still don’t have the heart to notice.

Be her knight, be her hero, be the one that gives her the most focus.

Be with her, kiss her, hug her, don’t leave her…

because the day you do, you’ll realize you’ll never be happy again either.

 

Sincerely, 

         Me ; Jade Monton. 

 

Nice to Make Your Acquaintance, Stranger

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Hey stranger, have we met?
Yeah, I think a few times. No, not yet?
Well, my name is whatever you want it to be.
I’ll fill you in on a few things, just not all verbally.
I tend to fidget when I’m nervous, can you already tell?
I try best to make eye contact with you, eyebrows parallel.
What are you thinking about me? Am I what you expected?
No, huh? That’s fine, I’ll always stand corrected.

Hey stranger, what’s wrong? Do I look fine to you?
Am I not as easy on the eyes as you’ve dreamt?
I’m sorry I’m not perfect. How can I fix it, what do you want me to do?

Hey stranger, do you understand what I’m saying?
Does my tone throw you off? I guess its how my words are laying.
Should I stay silent in your presence? Should I stay meek?
Should I raise my voice, or dare not to speak?
My thoughts may not be worth a damn, even to a stranger like you.

Hey stranger, you expect a lot. You expect too soon, too much.
Each time you look at me, judging me, I’m needing a crutch.
I’m not fit for you, to even be acquaintances .
I’d rather stay quiet, we’ll keep our distances.
I can only give you as much as you’ll take.
If I give more, my heart will be next to break.

Hey stranger, this is goodbye.
Turn the other way. Keep your thoughts to yourself..or not.
You don’t always get what you want, you work with what you can.
Your thoughts can go deeper, further than your eyes can pan.

The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows


In the dead of night,

sometimes I want to sneak out and discover new things like I did back then.

Sometimes, I just want to go away and I don’t mean being talked to by strange men.

I want to run away like I wished in my angry youth.

Pissed at the world and have nothing but a book bag and these sneakers.

The problem is, now that I’m 22, I feel no different from that time.

Nothing at the moment can ease me, not even through these cheap speakers.

Yeah, life happens. Shit does too.

In my world, the world sits on me. I’ve been struggling, shit, if you only knew.

I just want to get away. If not physically then mentally and emotionally.

I’ll attempt to go through by reading the past and the future, and writing my own silent philosophy.

Only in that little book hidden in my room holds all of the past that hasn’t left me.

One day, I won’t have to run away from it. One day, it’ll just let me be.

I’ll just scribble away, telling no one what I know or don’t.

Ignore the fact that I’ve been pushed and thrown.

I’ll stand up stronger one day.

I’ll push back and prevail.

Others may have been in the “same boat” as I, yet not all of them have already had the ship set sail.

I’m tired, I always am in so many ways.

One day I’ll know what’s up, I’ll understand why.

For now, I’ll say what I always do, “I’ll give it a couple of days.”

The Quiet Screaming-Legion of Doom-Brand New Vs. Dashboard Confessionals mashup

Jellyfish

I find it hard to shut up when I should.
I’ve tried. I’ve taped my mouth shut,
I’ve bit my tongue, quiet?
I don’t think I could.
When I am quiet, I’m really screaming from the inside.
For your tranquility, your unspoken rules I always try to abide.
While I’m verbally silent, I’m crying to let what I’m thinking out.
Instead of letting you know, all I can do is sit and pout.
The courage comes up to spill what needs to spill,
I try to catch the mess,
of an unborn sadistic thrill.
I really want to talk to you, I really have a lot to say.
I’m afraid sometimes of what could happen,
for now I’m spineless.
I’ll just stay quiet all day.

Fight or Flight. Damn you subconscience.

me in 2010

I don’t want to sound the way I do

when I answer back to you.

I don’t like the feeling I have after giving you attitude

after you’ve asked me how my day was in full amplitude.

It’s the weirdest feeling right after I end my sentence.

It’s like my  subconscience goes into grievance.

It’s like I can’t resist sounding like a bitch when I reply.

Even when you’re so nice to me at the time, maybe our hearts don’t see eye to eye?

Every time I answer back, it’s like I automatically have to sound the way I do.

It’s like I’m in fight or flight mode by default.

Maybe my nervous system is just fucked up, hardened and brittle like cobalt.

Maybe I should get checked out by a doctor.

Maybe I should just get my head outta water.

I seriously can’t describe the feeling I get when you talk to me.

It’s like my heart wants to bitch at you and tell you to let me be.

But I don’t want to…

I don’t want to be this way to you.

My subconscience  takes over,

I guess I’ve been threatened too much, maybe I’m getting an ulcer.

Beaten down so hard, I know it has to be the past that’s holding me from moving forward and getting better.

Maybe one day I’ll understand why I’m like this, maybe I’ll write you a letter.

Untitled. Doesn’t need one anyway.

Unwrap  that ribbon.

You know it’s like taking a shot in the dark.

Running smooth like kerosene,

just like rocks on the pavement.

Yeah, it’s not like they’re never seen.

The roads into her nerves,

he’d never driven down.

So slow he takes a u-turn, don’t avoid it man.

The road will eventually end, I can promise you that.

Just drill the holes of the stop sign, it’s okay, everything will be just fine.

Arousal in discontent can simply let you know it all.

The smile in her voice, don’t let the corners of her lips fall.

Distressed into the stage of self analysis,

it falters onto her sleeves.

her eyelashes so dense, close your eyes, just open your ears.

So simple to know what world she’s in on her own.

Trust me, you got this. It’s all laid out on your lawn.

You think you’ve got it all figured out, like a 1970’s con.

You have absolutely no idea of what lies ahead.

This is life, Sir. This shit ain’t no Club Med.