It’s Quiet Again

Written on paper 8/8/12

It’s quiet again…

The house are slipping.

The ones who say “all the time in the world” don’t know they’re just tripping.

The wind is growing cool once more.

Leaves will start to turn.

Summer loves fight to still burn.

Beautiful tragedies swirling all around.

Sitting again, there’s still no sound.

Running left to right, damn I’m so tired.

Night falls deep, I’m still not inspired.

Ignore the site of solidity, tranquil, so certain.

Hours pass more, I’ve got the mind of Tim Burton.

Beats start slowing down, fingers still trembling.

The feeling is so sharp, the edge is so serrated.

No matter how you fight for it, the words are so outdated.

Try not to slip and fall, because I’m tired of always falling down.

Sadness strifes to anger, adrenaline rushes through my veins.

Thoughts running on the highway, not looking when switching lanes.

Fly-by heart break, no more tender tendencies.

No more soft secret, no brands on the heart,

I’m losing it, trying my hardest not to be ripped apart.

The last strands, so tenaciously stuck,

I really, really..don’t want to not give a …..

 

Courageous Cowardly Confession #1

I’m More Scared of Candid Pictures Than Creepy Crawlies

Before I get into this and explain myself, keep in mind that now that I’m older…I KNOW. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I’m sure some things will be like wtf but I’m an adult now, I know.

When I was younger (middle school maybe?), I found refuge in talking to my “online friends”. I wasn’t the shittiest kid to be around, but I also wasn’t the most popular. I’d get bullied here and there and I’d be so happy to just come home. Yeah, sometimes my house wasn’t that great (which I won’t get into right now) but sometimes it was better than being at school.

  • A lot of kids love the socializing aspect of school and “starting new things”. For me, it was a tad different.
  • I’ve never had boyfriends from my school or anything like that. I was the girl that guys were cool enough with to get hallway hugs but would never get considered.
  • I just wasn’t “them”.
  • I had SOMEWHAT of a tiny tiny circle of friends (now that I realized it, weren’t true ones anyway), otherwise didn’t get asked to hang out
  • I’m sure everyone has their own school aged stories, however I’m always usually the odd one out.

There was this “boy” that was a year older than me that I used to talk to online. I was really into music at the time (oh here comes the piercings and my side swept bangs tucked in a black hoodie phase) and we’d swap music all of the time and talk about random things we enjoyed out of school. I forgot where we met online. However, we talked almost daily. Out of all of the people that I’ve talked to, he just seemed like he wasn’t that much of a “cool kid” either. He liked the music I liked. He had similar thoughts I did on movies and other random things. We just seemed to “click”.

He sent me pics of him (Normal ones okay! Nothing crazy!) and asked for mine. I wasn’t so accepting yet of how I looked as I was going through puberty and I thought I just looked fucking weird. I wasn’t able to look in the mirror and be like “MOM I NEED MOAR SLUTTY CLOTHES FOR CLASS.” I had a digi cam (Sony Cybershot to be exact). I usually took pics of random things but not really myself. Sadly when I did take a picture of myself, it was to see how ugly I’d grown. Yes, this sounds depressing and I’m sure someone out there reading this is thinking about how much of a low self-esteem bitch I am, but this is what you’re gonna get so take it or leave it. I’d finally taken a picture of myself and sent it to him, however with my cell phone at the time (Motorola flip). I remember I was wearing a grey and fuscia Element Brand shirt and had a hat on in the picture. I remember one of my eyes were covered with the brim….here’s a better “look” with MSPaint:

the old motorola pic

I had thick and curly hair that I hated at that time. I was fortunate to not get acne but there was a giant list of things I hated about my body. Still, I sent him a pic because I trusted him as my “friend”.

Speaking of music of my “era” at that phase: I remember listening to this song while sitting in my room online after kicking off my ever so dirty Chuck Taylors

One day, I was hanging out with one of my cousins and we went to the park to chill out. Her and her cousin had a camera and started snapping random shots of randomness. I didn’t quite remember them telling me to “look” or “smile”. They just snapped away.

After that day, I wasn’t online for about 2 days. I had forgotten why but anyway, that “boy” that I talked to so constantly, was online and not away or anything….I was ever so curious as to why he never bothered to see me sign on and say a simple “what’s up?!” or anything like that. I Imed him first. He sent me a picture, a picture I hadn’t even seen before. It was an extremely unflattering and humiliating looking picture of me. I wondered where the hell he had gotten it. Comes to find out my cousin, her cousin and her neighbors from across the street (pretty girls that hated me and were always bitchy to me) had sent him these candid shots I didn’t know existed. He said “Is that really you in those pics?” When I shamefully answered yes, the convo box became empty. He started talking to me less and less until no more.

When I asked that lil’ “group” why they sent him pics of me I had no idea about, they said “You’re not happy we sent what you really look like to your BOYYYFRIEND onliiiine?! I’m sure he’s happy he’s finally seen the real you, you ugly, fat bitch.”

Yeah…I know if he was a “true” friend, online or IRL, he would have stuck around. However, when you already have a low self esteem, shit like that happens to you, it adds on a little bit to your personality. I’m honestly paranoid a lot of the times of how people (irl for the most part) see me. I’ve gotten so much negativity towards me that no matter how I try to “shake it off”, the shit is stuck on me somehow. I’m still trying to get over things and my fear of people meeting me and thinking I’m some ugly bitch. I’m still trying…everyday.

People in my personal life probably find me “immature” that I don’t like people taking pictures of me/posting them/tagging unless I see them first. That story above is one of the main set offs to this paranoid, personality trait. I started to put two and two together when negativity would clash with more negativity in my life.

ugly

I’ve been cheated on by men who’s even told me that I didn’t look good enough for them anymore and that was the beginning of my adulthood.

  • I’ve been trying to accept compliments when I get them, although they aren’t so often.
  • I’ve been trying to accept who I am.
  • I’ve been trying to change my ugly inner psychological traits.
  • I’ve been trying to love myself.
  • I’ve been trying to think more positively.
  • I’ve been trying to let go of my past experiences  in order to get ready and take hold of the new ones to come.
  • I’m trying to “accept” more “tagged” pictures of me.
  • I’ve been trying not to hate myself.

 The point is, I’m STILL trying.

I haven’t given up yet. I may cry about things that people may see pointless, but when it’s important to THAT person that’s crying, you won’t just “get it”. You’re not them. You don’t feel what they feel. You haven’t gone what they’ve gone through.The best thing you can do is try to understand or at least just comfort them. I don’t need you to pick me up and rock me. I’d like a simple arm over me and saying “it’s okay”. I’d rather not hear fuss about how I’m a tiring person and do pointless things over pointless things.

If you have nothing to say, force your muscles to pop that arm out to whoever feels like shit in front of you if you give at least a bit of a damn.

People just don’t realize what’s going on outside of their own little bubble. Some may talk down to people like me because they see that they are right. However, you’re making their situation worse. Just stop.

It’s hard enough not to have anyone but the mirror or air to talk to. Do the world a favor. Be someone someone can talk to for a change without making them feel worse.

Goodnight, WordPress<3

When it comes to it

When it comes to it, you haven’t got a clue.
When it comes to it, you’re blind to every cue.
When it comes to it, your weapon of choice is a silent slumber.
When it comes to it, each situation with you is tagged with a number.
When it comes to it , I fall through the cracks between moments in your life.
When it comes to it, your silence is sharper than a knife.
When it comes to it, all of your fingers are pointed at me.
When it comes to it, I take all of the blame with no part from you unconsciously
When it comes to it, you don’t get the things I say or do.
When it comes down to it, everything could have been fixed by simple gestures from you.

There is an end and beginning to everything that happens. There are reasons for everything even when we don’t understand. There is cause and effect for each and everything.
Sometimes you unconsciously deny everything that comes from you or is started by you.
Everyone gets a wake up call sometime in their life. That day, you’ll know “why”. You saying “fuck it” is the easy part . The hardest part is when you face and conquer it.

In your mind it’s easier to avoid me.
In my mind, I always subconsciously believe what I endure is worth it.
No, people were wrong. We’re not just alike.

To whom it may concern

Image

To whom it may concern,

I’m judged each day because they see me as weak.

They mock the words my feelings dare not to speak.In the soft wind, here utters my heart, 

“I’ve had enough. You’ve torn me apart”.

In this moment the rain drops roll down the windows of all that I’ve always been,

words swooped from underneath the shadows like a midnight assassin.