Someday

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Yeah she smiles from time to time,

She laughs, she giggles, she’ll drink a corona with lime.

She’ll chill, she’ll make jokes, she can be your best friend.

She’s so smooth, she’s so cool, until everything in her world feels like it’s about to end.

When everything comes crashing down like a wave,

still no one realizes everything she gave.

She tries her hardest to understand,

she tries her hardest to take what you recommend,

but still there’s that feeling inside that takes a while to go away,

but deep down no matter how she acts, she just hopes you’ll decide to stay.

She’s so fucked in the head

but no one knows all about her past.

She’s been beaten down, her heart still healing in a cast.

When the sun rises and goes down,

it’s the same shit all over again.

But no one knows, no one knows, it’s about to begin.

When the tears fall from her doll like eyes,

she waits for a dramatic surprise

of bitching and cursing and being tortured inside.

Heart rate dropping, veins throbbing and then some more.

Seriously, you have no idea how this girl has been torn

Like salvation in the process, or a bandaid covering the wound

She needs you there, she needs you here, and that’s all you can do.

It hurts her when she knows there’s something wrong with you,

even if it’s not her, she feels what you feel

and still you don’t know what she goes through.

It happens all of a sudden,

it happens almost every day,

when she cries in silence in the corner, she doesn’t know what to say.

When you’re distant from her, she can feel the space in between.

All she wants is for you to treat her heart like a queen.

For once in her life make her feel like it’s not her fault

because you know she won’t take what you say with a grain of salt.

Her insides twisting and her stomach turning with each moment of silence

She needs anything besides being stared at by the audience.

Pay close attention, listen as close as possible

because every day in her life is another scene of mission impossible.

On the days that seem like she’s alright, she’s okay, 

just take that in consideration because those will be the best of your days,

when she’s slowing down, watch each and every phrase.

She’ll give up everything just as long as you give her a little of your time and attention

and if it’s not going through, just keep going, don’t put her feelings in detention.

She can shine brighter than anything you’ve ever seen.

She’d rather be the one hurt just so you can finally say “I know what you mean”.

She’s trying her hardest, if you still don’t have the heart to notice.

Be her knight, be her hero, be the one that gives her the most focus.

Be with her, kiss her, hug her, don’t leave her…

because the day you do, you’ll realize you’ll never be happy again either.

 

Sincerely, 

         Me ; Jade Monton. 

 

Nice to Make Your Acquaintance, Stranger

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Hey stranger, have we met?
Yeah, I think a few times. No, not yet?
Well, my name is whatever you want it to be.
I’ll fill you in on a few things, just not all verbally.
I tend to fidget when I’m nervous, can you already tell?
I try best to make eye contact with you, eyebrows parallel.
What are you thinking about me? Am I what you expected?
No, huh? That’s fine, I’ll always stand corrected.

Hey stranger, what’s wrong? Do I look fine to you?
Am I not as easy on the eyes as you’ve dreamt?
I’m sorry I’m not perfect. How can I fix it, what do you want me to do?

Hey stranger, do you understand what I’m saying?
Does my tone throw you off? I guess its how my words are laying.
Should I stay silent in your presence? Should I stay meek?
Should I raise my voice, or dare not to speak?
My thoughts may not be worth a damn, even to a stranger like you.

Hey stranger, you expect a lot. You expect too soon, too much.
Each time you look at me, judging me, I’m needing a crutch.
I’m not fit for you, to even be acquaintances .
I’d rather stay quiet, we’ll keep our distances.
I can only give you as much as you’ll take.
If I give more, my heart will be next to break.

Hey stranger, this is goodbye.
Turn the other way. Keep your thoughts to yourself..or not.
You don’t always get what you want, you work with what you can.
Your thoughts can go deeper, further than your eyes can pan.

The Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows


In the dead of night,

sometimes I want to sneak out and discover new things like I did back then.

Sometimes, I just want to go away and I don’t mean being talked to by strange men.

I want to run away like I wished in my angry youth.

Pissed at the world and have nothing but a book bag and these sneakers.

The problem is, now that I’m 22, I feel no different from that time.

Nothing at the moment can ease me, not even through these cheap speakers.

Yeah, life happens. Shit does too.

In my world, the world sits on me. I’ve been struggling, shit, if you only knew.

I just want to get away. If not physically then mentally and emotionally.

I’ll attempt to go through by reading the past and the future, and writing my own silent philosophy.

Only in that little book hidden in my room holds all of the past that hasn’t left me.

One day, I won’t have to run away from it. One day, it’ll just let me be.

I’ll just scribble away, telling no one what I know or don’t.

Ignore the fact that I’ve been pushed and thrown.

I’ll stand up stronger one day.

I’ll push back and prevail.

Others may have been in the “same boat” as I, yet not all of them have already had the ship set sail.

I’m tired, I always am in so many ways.

One day I’ll know what’s up, I’ll understand why.

For now, I’ll say what I always do, “I’ll give it a couple of days.”

The Quiet Screaming-Legion of Doom-Brand New Vs. Dashboard Confessionals mashup

Fight or Flight. Damn you subconscience.

me in 2010

I don’t want to sound the way I do

when I answer back to you.

I don’t like the feeling I have after giving you attitude

after you’ve asked me how my day was in full amplitude.

It’s the weirdest feeling right after I end my sentence.

It’s like my  subconscience goes into grievance.

It’s like I can’t resist sounding like a bitch when I reply.

Even when you’re so nice to me at the time, maybe our hearts don’t see eye to eye?

Every time I answer back, it’s like I automatically have to sound the way I do.

It’s like I’m in fight or flight mode by default.

Maybe my nervous system is just fucked up, hardened and brittle like cobalt.

Maybe I should get checked out by a doctor.

Maybe I should just get my head outta water.

I seriously can’t describe the feeling I get when you talk to me.

It’s like my heart wants to bitch at you and tell you to let me be.

But I don’t want to…

I don’t want to be this way to you.

My subconscience  takes over,

I guess I’ve been threatened too much, maybe I’m getting an ulcer.

Beaten down so hard, I know it has to be the past that’s holding me from moving forward and getting better.

Maybe one day I’ll understand why I’m like this, maybe I’ll write you a letter.

Untitled. Doesn’t need one anyway.

Unwrap  that ribbon.

You know it’s like taking a shot in the dark.

Running smooth like kerosene,

just like rocks on the pavement.

Yeah, it’s not like they’re never seen.

The roads into her nerves,

he’d never driven down.

So slow he takes a u-turn, don’t avoid it man.

The road will eventually end, I can promise you that.

Just drill the holes of the stop sign, it’s okay, everything will be just fine.

Arousal in discontent can simply let you know it all.

The smile in her voice, don’t let the corners of her lips fall.

Distressed into the stage of self analysis,

it falters onto her sleeves.

her eyelashes so dense, close your eyes, just open your ears.

So simple to know what world she’s in on her own.

Trust me, you got this. It’s all laid out on your lawn.

You think you’ve got it all figured out, like a 1970’s con.

You have absolutely no idea of what lies ahead.

This is life, Sir. This shit ain’t no Club Med. 

Not All Feelings Have to Rhyme-I Want

I Want

For all the tears that were never heard, for all of the sanity swept away.

All things have a tendency to crumble.

I break down a lot. I am confident. I am broken. I am in pieces. I am in awe of my emotional drunkenness.

I cry until I can’t anymore. I am tired. I am drained. I say “I” a lot, yet it’s not always about me.  It never really is.

2 ears, no, maybe just even one, and one heart, I need them.

I can drive until I run out of gasoline. But what then?

I can clear my head, well attempt to. my pain haunts me.

I don’t count the many times I say “I”.

I don’t count the stars. I don’t even have the time to.

The day that I will have time, I won’t want to.

I don’t want, I need, I need, I don’t get.

When I don’t want to care, I care the most.

When I need you, you’re gone.

Just once, I just want what I need once. I want someone to listen, to care.

I want to mean something to someone aside from myself. I don’t care. I lie to myself. I care too much.

It isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair, or is it?

I don’t want to lie to myself about being loved and wanted.

Double negatives clouding that surrounds me.

I am not not the person you once embraced.

You leave me alone, so you can think, feel better, feel free.

You. I. I don’t want. I don’t know what I want.

You never knew. If I am, I am a filler, let the pages bristle and fall.

Open up, not anymore.

Not ever was. Not ever has. One day I am. I will.

I.I.I.I. just need to feel.

That’s all “I” want.

Not So Classy

Too early to tell,

so sadly to put.

A pathetic Excuse for a lie,

what a lying shame.

It’s never enough, enough of talking behind closed doors.

So close to the end, just like sickly ill whores.

Shaking heads, yeah oh so classy.

Everyone mistakens trashy for classy.

How beauty has changed.

Trends are so tiring,

well to me at least.

Anger in me firing,

adrenaline burning like a beast.

Stop me now before it just goes too far please.

hold me back, my pressure needs to decrease.

Safely put, you think I’m all full of volume.

Batteries are dead, soul sucked out with a vacuum.

Too much oxygen in your fantasy world today.

let’s lessen that air, don’t worry, I won’t beg you to stay.

Your schedule is unsettled, and now you’re going crazy.

I’m feeding in less, maybe never again, just maybe.

Been choking on words for some time now, nope, no more.

It’s changing, it’s done, inside out from the core.

Looking from the outside

All of my sky pictures are taken from my porch via my cell phone[/caption]

Your smoke screen is in the way,

but baby I can show you a better day.

All you have to do is look from the inside out.

Trust me, I can hear you perfectly, you don’t have to shout.

Turn and step, it’s what you do best.

Come on and show me, baby you can’t be like the rest.

I’m just the open pages, waiting to be read.

I’d rather you hurry and look before we’re half past dead.

Tomorrow is a new day, for some but not for all,

it was to me at least, that one perfect day in the fall.

We could be gone tomorrow and another second you can’t get back,

hurry and read me before my page spine starts to crack.

We all might seem the same to you generally.

One day you’ll realize I’m nothing like they’re supposed to be.

I laugh louder and cry harder than most you’ve ever known.

You say I care too much, yeah I’ve been always on my own.

All I have is all that I am forever.

There are days where I thought could be never.

All I have is me, I have nothing else but that.

All I have are lasting impressions of you, stuck to me like a tatt.

Baby look at me. Stop looking away.

Think hard and long, look at me is all I ask…even though you never know what to say.

When it comes to it

When it comes to it, you haven’t got a clue.
When it comes to it, you’re blind to every cue.
When it comes to it, your weapon of choice is a silent slumber.
When it comes to it, each situation with you is tagged with a number.
When it comes to it , I fall through the cracks between moments in your life.
When it comes to it, your silence is sharper than a knife.
When it comes to it, all of your fingers are pointed at me.
When it comes to it, I take all of the blame with no part from you unconsciously
When it comes to it, you don’t get the things I say or do.
When it comes down to it, everything could have been fixed by simple gestures from you.

There is an end and beginning to everything that happens. There are reasons for everything even when we don’t understand. There is cause and effect for each and everything.
Sometimes you unconsciously deny everything that comes from you or is started by you.
Everyone gets a wake up call sometime in their life. That day, you’ll know “why”. You saying “fuck it” is the easy part . The hardest part is when you face and conquer it.

In your mind it’s easier to avoid me.
In my mind, I always subconsciously believe what I endure is worth it.
No, people were wrong. We’re not just alike.

To whom it may concern

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To whom it may concern,

I’m judged each day because they see me as weak.

They mock the words my feelings dare not to speak.In the soft wind, here utters my heart, 

“I’ve had enough. You’ve torn me apart”.

In this moment the rain drops roll down the windows of all that I’ve always been,

words swooped from underneath the shadows like a midnight assassin.